A second reader for a message about mice in the attic

Scratching in the ceiling at night is the kind of problem that turns into a writing task by the next morning. Someone has to describe it to a company, and in a bilingual household that someone may be writing in English for a parent who would rather read Japanese, then translating the reply back at the kitchen table. When someone types pest control Flower Mound into a search box, they are usually halfway through that job already: they have a noise, a worry and no clear words for either.

This is a post about the words, not the mice. A vague message gets a vague reply, and a reply you only half understand is hard to act on. I'm going to read a service request the way I would read any draft: meaning first, then the politeness level, then the details that have to be exact, and last of all the reply that comes back.

First pass: does the message say what is actually happening?

The first draft of almost every worried message is a conclusion rather than a description. "We have rats." "There's an infestation." Those sentences feel informative because they are dramatic, but they give the person reading them very little to work with. You may well be right, and you may be wrong; either way, the company will want to see for itself.

What a reader can use is what you noticed, where and when. I used to write requests in Japanese the same way, reaching for the big general word because I knew it, when the small concrete words would have done the job better. The fix is the same in any language: describe, don't diagnose.

Things worth putting in the first message:

• Where in the house you notice it (which room, which wall, attic, garage, kitchen cupboards)
• When you notice it (at night, in the early morning, only when the heating is on)
• What you have actually seen or heard: scratching, droppings, chewed packaging, a nest of shredded paper
• Who lives in the house, including pets and small children, since that affects what the company will suggest and how it plans a visit
• How someone gets into the attic or crawl space, if that is where the sound is
• When someone is at home to let them in

Galley proof

Before: "We have a mouse problem, please come soon."

After: "We hear scratching above the back bedroom ceiling most nights, and we found droppings in the pantry on Tuesday."

Why: a place and a time give the company something to inspect; "a problem" gives them nothing to look for.

Second pass: the register, in both languages

In English, a message to a local company can be friendly and fairly direct. "Could you come and take a look this week?" is polite enough, and nobody in Texas is going to mark you down for leaving out a formal greeting. Japanese is less forgiving about the gap between a request and a demand, and that matters when a parent drafts the message in Japanese first and asks you to put it into English.

Here is the point that used to catch me out. When the Japanese draft is blunt, the bluntness usually carries information: the writer is anxious, or wants a specific day, or has already been waiting. When you translate it, keep the information and drop the tone. When the Japanese draft is very polite, the opposite trap opens: layers of humble phrasing can hide the one thing they actually want, and a literal English version comes out vague.

Galley proof

Before: 早く来てください。 (Hayaku kite kudasai, "Please come quickly.")

After: 今週中に点検に来ていただけますか。 (Konshū-chū ni tenken ni kite itadakemasu ka, "Could you come for an inspection this week?")

Why: the polite question names a visit and a time frame; the bare "quickly" only tells the reader you are worried.

There is a vocabulary snag here too. The everyday Japanese word ネズミ (nezumi) covers both mice and rats, and most people don't bother to separate them in conversation. English does separate them, and a company will want to know which you think it is. If your parent says nezumi and you don't know which, don't guess. Describe what was seen instead: the size of the droppings, whether the noise is light and quick or heavier. A translator who quietly picks "rat" because it sounds more serious has changed the message.

The same goes for 駆除 (kujo), which a dictionary will give as "extermination" or "removal". It is a perfectly normal word in Japanese, but "extermination" in an English message sets a tone your parent may not have meant. "Getting rid of them" or simply asking what the company recommends usually reads closer to the original.

Third pass: dates, times, places and names

This is the pass where small slips cause missed appointments. Read every number and name in the message as if you were the person who has to drive to the house.

Dates are the classic bilingual trap. Japanese writes dates year, month, day; American English writes month, day, year. A parent who writes 11/12 might mean either order depending on habit, so spell the month out in anything you send. Times work the same way: if the family is used to the 24-hour clock, "17:30" in a note can turn into "7:30" in a hurried copy. Write "5:30 pm" for an American reader and check it against the original.

Addresses run in opposite directions too. A Japanese address goes from the largest unit to the smallest, while an American one starts with the house number and ends with the state. If your parent dictates the address from memory, read it back in the American order before you send it.

Names deserve one more look. Whose name is on the booking, and whose phone number? If your mother is the homeowner but prefers to speak Japanese, the company should know to call you, or know that a short call with her may need patience. Put that in writing rather than hoping the right person answers.

Galley proof

Before: "Anytime next week is fine, call my mother."

After: "Weekday mornings next week suit us. Please call me on the number below; my mother owns the house but prefers to talk in Japanese."

Why: the company can't plan around "anytime", and it needs to know who to call and why.

A short checklist for this pass:

• Month written as a word, not a number
• Times in am and pm for an American reader, checked against the original
• Address in American order, read back aloud
• One named contact with one phone number
• Pets and their whereabouts mentioned again if a visit date is set

Fourth pass: reading the reply before you agree

Once a company writes back, the proofreading job turns around. Now you are the reader, and possibly the translator for someone who will make the decision. A good company will usually explain what it found or expects to find, what it proposes to do, and anything you need to do before or after a visit. Your task is to make sure all three survive the trip into Japanese.

The most common loss is the conditions. "We'll inspect on Thursday" is easy to pass on. "Please keep pets in a closed room during the visit and store open food in sealed containers" is the sentence that gets summarised as "they said some things about the cat". If the reply includes preparation steps, translate each one, in order, as a list your parent can tick off.

If anything in the reply is unclear, ask in writing before you agree. That includes any question about products used in the house, pets, children or someone with a health condition: put those questions to the company directly and let the people who do the work answer them. It is not something a translator should fill in from guesswork, and it is not something I can answer for you either.

Galley proof

Before (your summary for a parent): "They'll sort it out on Thursday."

After: "On Thursday morning they will inspect first and then explain what they suggest. The cat needs to stay in the spare room during the visit."

Why: a summary that drops the conditions is a mistranslation, even when every word in it is right.

It also helps to keep the thread in one place. When I translate for someone, I find it easier to reply under the company's last message rather than starting new ones, so that dates, times and agreed steps sit in a single chain. If your parent later asks "what did they say about the garage?", you can find it in seconds instead of rebuilding it from memory.

The final read

Before you press send on any message to a service company, read it once as the person receiving it: could they act on it without calling you back to ask what you meant? If the answer is yes, the message is finished, in whichever language it started.

Clear words won't stop the scratching, but they will get the right person to the right ceiling sooner.